The italian who went to Malta

(Texto encontrado en un paño de cocina a la venta en mercadillos de la isla de Malta):

This must be read with Italian (or spanish) accent:

One day Ima gonna to Malta inna bigga Hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss, I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna Hotel and there is no shits onna bed. I must called the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.